This is where we pretend the VMAs are relevant.

Let’s talk about the MTV Video Music Awards! I know it’s 2010, music videos are almost nonexistent, and MTV doesn’t even play anything related to music anymore so no one should care about the VMAs. But, again, it’s 2010 and that means the internet is here so I can talk about the VMAs at length because that is why the internet was invented. I watch these things so you don’t have to. Well no, I watch them so I can remind myself that yes, I am a twenty-two year old college graduate who spent her Sunday night drinking wine and watching an award show that gave out moonmen to a woman wearing a dress made out of meat BUT, at the end of the day, I am still somehow better than a barefoot country singer who wrote a heartfelt song about the time someone INTERRUPTED her at an IRRELEVANT “award” show that once told us that Natalie Imbruglia and Macy Gray were best new artists who would go on to have long and fruitful careers in the music industry.

Listen, Swift, I get it. It must really suck to be rich and talented and have someone else who is rich and talented tell you that a pointless award given to a video you did not write or direct should have gone to a different person who also did not write or direct their video. It is terrible and ruins your life and when you go home, you only have  ridiculous amount of money, awards, family, and fans to keep you warm at night. Life’s tough! More importantly, the music industry is tough! It’s full of fame and success and Biebers! Sometimes it’s overwhelming and you have to write a song about it. That’s fine, but you don’t go on television and perform it live after showing clips of that fateful day Kanye West took a microphone, you do not metaphorically pat him on the back and proclaim he’s innocent and tell him he’s still growing up. You write that song in your diary, you rip those pages out, and you burn them because it’s embarrassing. This is not 9/11, this is not a day that will live in infamy, this is not even on a Tupac vs. Biggie level. This is a knock-knock interrupting cow joke on a show created by a network that has launched the career of a tiny guidette who firmly believes that “tan” is a race. This is not important.

Anyway, let’s recap the awards in music video form: short and pointless!