This is where we pretend the VMAs are relevant.

13 Sep

Let’s talk about the MTV Video Music Awards! I know it’s 2010, music videos are almost nonexistent, and MTV doesn’t even play anything related to music anymore so no one should care about the VMAs. But, again, it’s 2010 and that means the internet is here so I can talk about the VMAs at length because that is why the internet was invented. I watch these things so you don’t have to. Well no, I watch them so I can remind myself that yes, I am a twenty-two year old college graduate who spent her Sunday night drinking wine and watching an award show that gave out moonmen to a woman wearing a dress made out of meat BUT, at the end of the day, I am still somehow better than a barefoot country singer who wrote a heartfelt song about the time someone INTERRUPTED her at an IRRELEVANT “award” show that once told us that Natalie Imbruglia and Macy Gray were best new artists who would go on to have long and fruitful careers in the music industry.

Listen, Swift, I get it. It must really suck to be rich and talented and have someone else who is rich and talented tell you that a pointless award given to a video you did not write or direct should have gone to a different person who also did not write or direct their video. It is terrible and ruins your life and when you go home, you only have  ridiculous amount of money, awards, family, and fans to keep you warm at night. Life’s tough! More importantly, the music industry is tough! It’s full of fame and success and Biebers! Sometimes it’s overwhelming and you have to write a song about it. That’s fine, but you don’t go on television and perform it live after showing clips of that fateful day Kanye West took a microphone, you do not metaphorically pat him on the back and proclaim he’s innocent and tell him he’s still growing up. You write that song in your diary, you rip those pages out, and you burn them because it’s embarrassing. This is not 9/11, this is not a day that will live in infamy, this is not even on a Tupac vs. Biggie level. This is a knock-knock interrupting cow joke on a show created by a network that has launched the career of a tiny guidette who firmly believes that “tan” is a race. This is not important.

Anyway, let’s recap the awards in music video form: short and pointless!

  • Eminem is pretty great and relevant again? I don’t know what year it is. He put on a solid performance, though, and Rihanna showed up and really the only thing that could’ve made it better is if they recreated the video and burned down the venue so no one would have to sit through the rest of the award show. Also, he won awards but left the show right after he performed because Eminem is smarter than all of us.
  • Further proving that I have no idea what year it is, Linkin Park performed. Okay, sure, why not? They sucked. They tried and got so far but in the end, it didn’t even matter. I’m so sorry for that. I’m also sorry for saying my wounds will not heal and by the end of the performance, they brought me one step closer to the edge and I was about to break.
  • Someone at MTV is doing a lot of meth and believes 30 Seconds to Mars are a legitimate band.
  • Because we live in a world where everything is beautiful and nothing hurt, Lady Gaga won seventeen billion awards last night, deserved all of them, and wore a meat dress while standing on stage with Cher.
  • Usher danced and I swooned like I did when I got 8701 for Christmas back in 2001 and I listened to “U Got It Bad” on a loop in my discman and carved “Pilot + Usher” into a desk in history class.
  • BIEBER FEVER. I swooned for his performance too, but in a totally innocent way because he’s still sixteen. Can we stop destroying him all the time? I know he’s supposed to be a joke and, for some bizarre reason, a representation of what’s wrong with the music industry (?!) nowadays, etc. but he’s a pretty good performer (unrelated to last night which wasn’t his best, she says proving she’s drunkenly youtubed his performances before) with solid vocal/dancing skills. Plus, he’s totally adorable! He plays drums, hits on Tina Fey, plays pranks on rappers, and hilariously walks into doors! He couldn’t even find the stage when he won Best New Artist (SO CUTE) and he gave a pretty short and humble speech because he was probably really nervous and/or wanted to go sit back down and stare at Katy Perry’s tits like all sixteen-year-old boys. His songs aren’t offensively bad and sure, the Bieber mania is a little nuts but it seems on par with how crazy my mother was for The Beatles when she was a teenager or how crazy we were for boybands (or Good Charlotte, if you’re hardcore) in junior high. There are sixteen year olds who probably drink too much because of Ke$ha or still carve Manson’s name into their wrists or, even more horrifying, have permanent Nickelback tattoos and isn’t that a hundred times worse than liking a cute boy who sings about smiling? Can’t we pick our battles better? This is the most embarrassing paragraph I’ve ever written.
  • Chelsea Handler was the worst host ever who made totally topical and groundbreaking jokes Jersey Shore cast members having herpes and Snoop Dogg smoking weed. Hilarity did not ensue.
  • Kanye West closed the show with a song that’s about the Taylor Swift thing and I did kind of like it, although it made me want to die of second-hand embarrassment to know that they both still fucking care. It’s not benefiting either of them. They’re both coming out as “douchebags” and “assholes” and whatever else he was saying. Neither of them are going to win. You know who’s going to win? Bored “bloggers” like you and me and everyone else who still wants to voice their opinion on this whole debacle because the worst part about them still caring is that WE still care. So, actually, I guess we lose. Can we toast to the losers? They lose and we lose and MTV loses and everyone just loses but fortunately none of us lose as much as Chelsea Handler did last night, so at least there’s that.

2 Responses to “This is where we pretend the VMAs are relevant.”

  1. Allegra September 13, 2010 at 10:15 pm #

    This post was basically perfect. Thank you for having written in. I think my life is -this- much better for having written it.

    I totally agree about the Justin Bieber thing, by the way. HE IS NOT THAT BAD. He’s not hurting you or anyone (well, except tween girls unlucky enough to be caught in one of the fanatic stampedes that follows him everywhere) and his music is not nearly as bad as Nickelback’s or Linkin Park’s or, like, 98 Degrees or something. LEAVE JUSTIN ALOOOOWN

  2. Xan Milloh August 28, 2011 at 1:31 am #

    Great Post!!! I have to say it’s quite refreshing to hear someone else’s perspective on the irrelevancy of the VMA’s rather than the many who just grunt “MTV sucks!!!” while offering no explanation to their rush of judgement. I will admit that I am not a fan of Justin Bieber or really any of the artists out now (I feel the music is juvenile and too basic to warrant the accolades it receives), but that may have to do with the fact that I am 26 year old man and it’s pretty obvious that Bieber’s music ain’t geared towards me. Truthfully it all comes down to personal tastes and not quality because one could argue that @Allegra’s taste in music (she’s a Belieber…or whatever the hell you call it) is about as refined as a carton of milk left out for about 4 months resulting in cheese. It stinks to some, and others see the goodness, but either way, it’s gonna be there until we get sick of looking at it and move on. And I won’t even get started on Taylor Swift/Kanye West fiasco…..I get it he embarrassed you and he is a bonafide arrogant tool, but how long was she gonna play the martyr to his antics……and how long is he gonna be praised/ridiculed for being a loose cannon with no trigger? Ugh……the VMAs…..makes me glad I don’t watch TV…that much.

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