TV Round Table: Skins (US), “Cadie”

8 Feb

Sometimes, a recap on its own just doesn’t feel like enough. For those times when everyone wants a word, the Man-Size get together to duke it out via instant messenger. This is the TV Round Table, and in this edition, Sarah and Pilot may or may not have reached the limit of their masochistic experiment in watching of MTV’s adaptation of Skins. Or did they?

Sarah: So this is the fourth episode?

Sarah: She eats BTW

Sarah: She is eating a banana

Sarah: Therapist is talking about her vagina

Sarah: Average life

Sarah: And her dad is into taxidermy?

Pilot: maybe that’s why she likes to get stuffed AMIRITE

Sarah: This is like manic pixie dream house

Pilot: oh god there is going to be so much manic pixie bullshit

Pilot: windchimes and suicide!

Sarah: LOOK AT ALL THE STREAMERS IN HER ROOM!

Sarah: SO QUIRKY!

Pilot: maybe she just wants to be prepared for tornadoes, like the crazy aunt in twister

Sarah: IT’S BEGINNING TO LOOK LIKE A MAD HOUSE IN HERE! A WHIMSICAL MAD HOUSE!

Pilot: sniffing rubber cement to get a fix

Sarah: I don’t believe this family for a second

Sarah: I don’t understand how these people live in the same house and are apparently in the same family

Pilot: it sort of seems like a halfway house

Sarah: I don’t know what that is.

Pilot: ugh i just feel like stanley is gonna get pink-eye from his filthy hair constantly being in his face

Sarah: He’s cute but he’s so like 8th grade skater boy

Pilot: c ya l8er boi

Sarah: He wasn’t good enough for her.

Sarah: She had a pretty face, but her head was up in space.

Pilot: i think the only thing i like about my life is liz is that it makes skins seem so much better in comparison

Sarah: I can only imagine its terribleness.

Sarah: I usually stay very far away from MTV.

Sarah: I would be staying away if it weren’t for the fact that we were MST3King it.

Pilot: undressed was pretty good

Sarah: Yeah, I’m not saying MTV was ALWAYS terrible

Sarah: I mean, duh, Daria, Clone High

Pilot: what

Pilot: is she OCD now?

Sarah: Clone High was even one of those rare shows that was acclaimed and cancelled that I actually watched when it came on

Pilot: not anorexic?

Sarah: I guess?

Sarah: I mean she ate a banana

Pilot: clone high is the absolute best show ever

Sarah: I KNOW

Sarah: EVERYONE IN MASSACHUSETTS IS EXACTLY LIKE JFK, BTW

Pilot: “NO FATTIES” – jfk, on fake cassie

Sarah: Also real Cassie on fake Cassie

Sarah: because anorexia I guess

Sarah: What the hell is this

Pilot: so anorexia was too risque for MTV?

Sarah: Is she basically just JJ?

Pilot: it didn’t fit in with their child porn?

Pilot: but SO MUCH WORSE THAN JJ

Sarah: OBVIOUSLY.

Pilot: who is this midget

Sarah: Ellen Page?

Pilot: nah she’s a better actress than ellen page

Sarah: And we’ve only known her for one minute!

Sarah: Pill popping doesn’t feel like it’s as much of a thing in America as it is in the UK

Sarah: so it’s like hard to believe this kind of thing

Pilot: everything on this show is unbelievable and forced

Sarah: MANIC PIXIE DRUG LIFE

Sarah: OHGAWD REALLY?

Sarah: THERE IS A KNIFE IN THE DRIVEWAY?

Sarah: BY A LANTERN?

Sarah: AND NOW YOU ARE IN A HARNESS?

Pilot: FOREST SEX SWING

Pilot: ALL THE COOL KIDS ARE IN THEM

Sarah: EXCEPT THEY HOLD GUNS AND WEAR WEIRD CLOTHES!!

Pilot: “hanging out in my sex swing and pointing guns at my dad before i do my homework” – teenagers

Sarah: CIRCUS LIFE!!!

Sarah: I’M SO WHIMSICAL!!

Pilot: “i have a boyfriend” JUMPING THE GUN THERE

Sarah: Have you ever tried not taking drugs?

Sarah: “WHAT?” –all teenagers, apparently

Pilot: “but how do i lay on my bed without drugs????”

Sarah: HOW WILL I HELP MY DAD WITH HIS TAXIDERMY WITHOUT DRUGS??

Pilot: this mother needs a parent of the year award

Sarah: Betty Draper is like, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

Pilot: she is manic pixie betty draper

Sarah: THERE ARE FAIRIES IN THIS BARBIE

Sarah: OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT

Pilot: oh man we almost hit the thirty minute mark without a party scene

Pilot: i was getting worried

Sarah: HERE WE GO!

Pilot: A+ CAMERA WORK

Sarah: VISIBLE BRAS WILL HAPPEN, I’M SURE

Pilot: totally showcasing her detachment and TERRIBLENESS

Pilot: oh god

Sarah: This show is just so good at drug montages

Pilot: “look up if you like me” this is so, so much more insincere than the uk

Sarah: YES

Sarah: Plus it fucking happens in five seconds

Pilot: that was .05 seconds

Pilot: haha

Pilot: why would they even bother

Sarah: True.

Sarah: LET’S NOD TO THE SHOW USELESSLY

Sarah: 4 THA SUPERFANZ

Pilot: the superfanz who are now attempting suicide cassie style

Sarah: Cool cool parents who are totally like all the parents.

Pilot: she’s not cool with their drugs though, just the alcohol

Pilot: skins isn’t even good at making cool parents act cool

Sarah: Plotholes in your cool parents

Pilot: plotholes in your everything

Sarah: Good correction.

Sarah: I’m wasting every second of my life

Pilot: oops i left the room for a second

Pilot: did they take drugs? did i miss them taking drugs?

Pilot: SO MANY QUESTIONS

Sarah: I HAVE TO TAKE PILLS TO ESCAPE MY PINK TRIANGLE FEELINGS

Pilot: AND SO MANY LESBIANS

Pilot: “i’m dumb, she’s a lesbian” – rivers “tony” cuomo

Sarah: “I thought I had found the one who’d fuck me to negro spirituals”

Pilot: is he jerking off and smoking weed in someone else’s bed?

Sarah: Yup, totes what teenagers do

Sarah: Like a normal thing

Pilot: ugh i am so retroactively worried about my bed now re: high school parties

Sarah: I’m so glad I never had any parties.

Sarah: Even if this show makes it mean I wasn’t cool

Pilot: “i took a summer workshop on gender studies” – tea’s girlf

Sarah: I JUST LEARNED WHAT HETERONORMATIVE MEANT TODAY

Sarah: Michelle’s mom is a slutty Cassie

Sarah: because she said wow

Pilot: “let’s try to educate some teens on gender politics while exploiting teen lesbianism” – mtv prez

Sarah: Didn’t even fucking think about that

Sarah: because I try to disable my cognitive faculties in order to watch this show

Pilot: i should definitely start doing that

Pilot: maybe i’ll enjoy the show

Sarah: Dude it doesn’t help.

Pilot: JK I WOULD NEVER ENJOY THIS

Pilot: ugh effy 2.0

Pilot: she looks 9

Sarah: Cracked out Blythe doll

Pilot: “i agree, take your top off!” – 9 y/o

Sarah: It’d be funny if people who’d never watched Skins UK heard that these two characters were like worshipped by teenage girls

Pilot: oh god

Pilot: yeah it makes NO sense now

Pilot: also i fucking hate this editing

Pilot: animal jump cuts! taxidermy! insanity! high school!

Sarah: SO ARTSY AND DRUGGY

Sarah: So Godard-esque

Sarah: That’s how he used jump cuts, right?

Sarah: Kids these days aren’t at all weirded out when their parents hang out at their parties

Sarah: “Oh.” –normal reaction to creepy adult with hand in pants

Pilot: “i guess this is weird but whatever, i’m CrAaaAzy”

Pilot: this is a terrible conversation about jizz

Sarah: I TAKE SO MANY DRUGS BUT I STILL HAVE A TEDDY BEAR

Sarah: WHICH THIS SHOW’S ENTIRE AESTHETIC WOULD LEAVE ME TO BELIEVE IS NERDY

Pilot: FETISHIZATION

Sarah: Why are we watching this

Pilot: “ACTING. TRYING SO. HARD. TO ACT.” – tony

Sarah: Why are we doing this to ourselves

Pilot: it’s a social experiment to see how much real life teenage antics we can take

Sarah: “I’M MAD! MY MOTIVATION IS TO LOOK AS IF I’M TRYING TO CONCEAL MY ANGER BUT FAILING TO DO SO!”

Sarah: This is basically She’s All That with a lesbian flashing

Sarah: AM I A BET?

Sarah: AM I A FUCKING BET?

Pilot: “i can’t believe caddie is so upset i told her that the boy she loves used her for drugs! so confusing!”

Sarah: Ugh, everything

Sarah: Why can’t Jesse Eisenberg have just been Tony?

Pilot: he’s too awkward

Pilot: and surprisingly too good of an actor to be on mtv

Sarah: Did way better imitating the character on SNL than baby Humphrey

Sarah: Ooh! Meanwhile, would you rather a) watch this, b) watch this season of Gossip Girl, or c) kill yourself?

Pilot: oh god eisenberg was PERFECT on snl, i totally forgot about that sketch

Pilot: also: b

Pilot: gossip girl exists in its own world where they don’t pretend to relate to real teenagers

Sarah: That’s true.

Pilot: it’s fucking terrible but it’s okay with it

Pilot: skins is trying so hard to be legitimate

Sarah: WE’RE SO EDGY AND TRUE

Pilot: oh god is she gonna fuck the old dude to get back at stanley

Sarah: Ugh please no

Pilot: NORMAL ADULT

Pilot: GETTING HIGH WITH CHILDREN

Sarah: This guy looks like some kind of weird American poor man’s Paddy Considine

Pilot: ADULT ALERT! ADULT ALERT! ADULT ALERT!

Sarah: I think I am thinking of someone else and not Paddy Considine

Sarah: TOTALLY NORMAL BANTER

Pilot: he looks really familiar but i can’t think of the name

Sarah: SO WHIMSICAL!

Sarah: YOU TEENS!

Pilot: “lol, my mom is so drunk and passed out hehehe”

Sarah: This is the dumbest fucking deviation from any British show I’ve ever seen

Sarah: Like what

Pilot: yeah

Pilot: this is the dumbest fucking show i’ve ever seen

Pilot: this is so overly dramatic and full of bullshit

Sarah: Just gonna take off my shirt to support you

Pilot: so much running away while hip music plays

Sarah: “This is all just completely insane”

Sarah: Duh

Pilot: i want to nominate caddie angrily yelling at birds for best scene of the year

Pilot: “fuck you birds! you don’t know me! no one knows me!”

Sarah: Pigeons are such harbingers of doom

Sarah: ABOOT

Sarah: CANADA

Sarah: I MEAN, BALTIMORE

Pilot: united baltimore of canada

Sarah: “Aboot.” –national anthem

Pilot: ugh more than anything i just wish this show wasn’t so boring

Sarah: I KNOW

Sarah: I COULD BE DOING SO MANY OTHER THINGS

Pilot: like taking ALL OF THE PILLS

Sarah: So much pain

Sarah: I have to take them all

Sarah: Talkin to myself

Sarah: SKINS: IT GOES THERE

Pilot: “you didn’t go anywhere.” – degrassi, circa school shooting

Sarah: Ugh

Sarah: Well

Sarah: Cool.

Sarah: Look at our lives.

Sarah: Can we really do this for like, six more episodes or however many left there are?

Pilot: i am probably going to get as far as halfway through next week’s before i eat bullets like caddie eats pills.

Sarah:

Pilot: EXACTLY

Sarah: Ugh I guess I am going to go study linguistics and feel bad about how this hour was spent

Sarah: But I’ll talk to you later and I’m not sure I can keep doing this.

Pilot: yeah next week looks terrible

Sarah: This whole fucking show is already terrible

Sarah: FLAMING CARS!

Pilot: it’s a metaphor for tony being in love with a flaming lesbian

Sarah: EVEN THOUGH DANCING TURNS HER STRAIGHT

Pilot: EVERYTHING IS STUPID

Next week: “Stanley”. But will we care enough to even bother? Find out next week.

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