TV Round Table: Skins (US), “Chris”

2 Feb

Sometimes, a recap on its own just doesn’t feel like enough. For those times when everyone wants a word, the Man-Size get together to duke it out via instant messenger. This is the TV Round Table, and in our second chat, Sarah, Erika, and Pilot watch this week’s episode of the American Skins a day late because we are adults who don’t always have time to watch children’s melodrama.

Sarah: JUSTICE TEAM, ASSSEEEEMMMBBLLEEE

Erika: should we do what we did last time/

Sarah: Just comment on stuff as it happens?

Erika: YEP

Sarah: Yes.

Pilot: COOL.

Pilot: i will try to keep my caps lock under control.

Sarah: NEVER!

Pilot: hahaha

Sarah: I think the theme song is stupid

Sarah: for starters.

Sarah: Always fucking have

Pilot: yeah i think this is the first time i noticed it and it’s awful

Sarah: IT’S SO DUMB!

Erika: and we all realize this is the exact same thing as british “chris” but not as good

Sarah: Ugh yes.

Sarah: This guy just doesn’t have Joe Dempsie’s cuddliness.

Pilot: no one does

Sarah: That’s why he was great!

Erika: i’m surprised they can count anything that isn’t drugs

Sarah: I LEARNED MULTIPLICATION THROUGH DRUG DEALS

Pilot: are his fresh lines gone?

Sarah: Eww, no

Erika: can i say that abbud is the worst person in history? like not even character. just human being

Sarah: He’s super fucking irritating

Sarah: At one point in the episode he says he “spunked” himself

Sarah: I’m like, NO

Sarah: WE ARE NOT IN SCOTLAND

Sarah: DON’T FUCKING SAY THAT

Sarah: THIS ISN’T TRAINSPOTTING

Erika: i do really like chris’s white jacket though

Erika: hate myself for that

Erika: ‘just got a grand and dropped some boner pills LOL AMERICAAAAANN LIFEEEE’ – fake chris

Erika: tea doesnt dance with dudes unless it’s to negro spirituals

Erika: GOTTA HAVE STANDARDS AS A LADY!

Sarah: “Negro spirituals make me wanna fuck”

Pilot: “getting jiggy on the underground railroad” – teens, in 2011

Sarah: HAWT NEW MIXTAPES

Erika: teenagers make me wish ‘boning’ meant something else

Sarah: NOW THAT’S WHAT I CALL SLAVERY, VOL 16

Pilot: girl talk presents: the cotton field mashups

Pilot: i forgot how stupid it is that a teacher goes to a high school party

Erika: slavechella is gonna be so great this year

Sarah: Plantationstep

Sarah: YES

Sarah: And this teacher is just… no

Pilot: “do you like to party with high school kids who eat viagra for breakfast?” – teach for america application

Sarah: And it’s not even surprising that she’s at the party

Sarah: it was for the UK

Erika: i always forget that dancing makes you healthy

Erika: glad skins can remind me

Erika: ‘dancing cures cancer’ – every doctor

Erika: fony (fake tony) and fichelle are getting in bed together

Pilot: ugh i hate that scene

Erika: YOUR EYES SHOULD BLUR TOO TONY!

Sarah: I KNOW

Sarah: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN

Pilot: “rly wish you had an eye condition”

Erika: ‘his eyes blurred when he saw her tits, and that’s when the stars aligned and fate took over’ – great sexpectations

Sarah: YOU REALLY SHOULD BE TOO EMBARRASSED TO PROPERLY EXAMINE MY BREASTS

Erika: this is where i stopped paying attention and started listening to the thompson twins on repeat

Sarah: That’s probably a better plan.

Erika: ‘who are the thompson twins?’ – everyone that’s not your dad

Sarah: I just felt bored

Erika: where’s your mom, chris? – daisy

Erika: WHERE’S YOUR SHIRT DAISY? – everyone

Sarah: SHUT UP, FAKE JAL

Pilot: i like that the requirement to be a teenage girl is to always have your bra showing at all times

Sarah: I KNOW

Sarah: NO ONE WEARS SHIRTS THAT COVER THEIR BRAS EVER

Sarah: GENERATION GAP, MAN

Erika: i just thought shirts were optional until 20

Sarah: Skins UK was no pants

Sarah: Skins US is no shirts

Erika: at least skins UK can still get service in a restaurant

Sarah: Exactly!

Sarah: Albanian Skins is probably going to tell us it’s cool to go barefoot!

Erika: soup nazi skins will just tell us we can’t have any soup!

Sarah: German Skins was just a bad idea.

Erika: SOMEONE’S GOING TO NARNIA!

Pilot: worst shower scenes ever

Sarah: Saddest version of Narnia ever

Pilot: fake chris is such a terrible actor

Erika: fake everybody is a terrible everybody

Sarah: EXACTLY

Sarah: Just all of the kids it’s like, why do I give a shit about you?

Sarah: Please tell me why I should be concerned with your decisions.

Erika: can we vote abbud off the island?

Pilot: because you can see their bras so you know they are interesting characters

Sarah: MY BOOBS ARE SO INTERESTNG!

Erika: my junkyard dog is named after che guevara because EVERYONE has to be a hipster here

Erika: – junk man

Pilot: “the drug scenes in skins are the worst” – requiem for a dream

Erika: can i nominate chris’ tripping scenes for the worst camera angle of all time?

Pilot: i mean, it’s really showing me exactly what doing drugs is like

Pilot: you stare upwards a lot and wake up to a dead fish

Erika: i like that someone wrote his mother was a whore

Erika: had no idea sean connery came to that party

Erika: jamie kennedy circa malibu’s most wanted in the role of house crasher

Pilot: i’m glad that MTV is trying to use ‘shit’ as much as possible to appeal to the youth

Erika: ‘hollerback’ – 2006

Erika: ugh, it’s like he went to the encino man school of acting

Pilot: i want to see the casting call for that role

Erika: chock full of prestigious actors for sure

Erika: a bevvy of sag nominees

Pilot: i like the subtlety in the blackboard

Pilot: “hopelessness”

Erika: super cool that urban outfitters left some clothing in the lost and found

Erika: that was helpful of them

Pilot: oh my god i want to punch this editor in the face

Erika: baby cries represent chaos and teen angst

Erika: ‘i have to go to the cemetary to play catch with my dead brother!’ – chris

Pilot: chris st. cloud

Pilot: every evening i eat pills with my dead brother

Sarah: And then leave joints on his grave.

Sarah: For no real reason.

Pilot: wasting pot

Sarah: I KNOW!!

Pilot: what a poorly written drug addict

Sarah: EXACTLY

Sarah: WHO WOULD DO THAT

Sarah: “Just gonna roll this joint for my dead bro”

Erika: ‘NOT AT ALL TRUE TO LIFE’ – all the people on intervention

Pilot: “it’s always 420 in heaven, bro”

Sarah: Plus his brother was like THIRTEEN when he died

Sarah: That’s not exactly a long enough time to become a pothead, especially if you’re a golden boy

Erika: the gratuitous use of the phrase ‘penis face’ is why i have to prove i was old enough to watch this, definitely

Sarah: I KNOW

Pilot: i don’t know, i was pretty into drugs as a 6 year old girl scout

Sarah: Wasn’t everyone though?

Pilot: by 8, i was selling cookies just to support my coke habit

Erika: i did a stint in rehab for it

Sarah: That’s nothing! I was sleeping with dudes for Sally Foster money I’d then use for drugs.

Erika: i was lacing my thin mints with coke

Sarah: My rock candy was made of crystal meth

Pilot: his brother’s ghost is gonna get so high.

Erika: ‘she left me flowers by my grave, just to let me know she didn’t skip town without taking care of me’ – chris/blink 182

Pilot: oh cool you can see michelle’s bra now

Pilot: i was worrying

Sarah: “I’m really concerned about the lack of visible bras on this show.”

Sarah: –nobody

Pilot: maybe fake cassie is so depressed because her bra is never showing

Erika: that makes sense

Sarah: IF I ONLY HAD MORE LOW CUT SHIRTS

Sarah: GOD, I HATE MY LIFE

Erika: WHO IS THIS BLOND GIRL?

Erika: on the other side of tony

Sarah: Tony’s stupid sister

Erika: OMG FEFFY

Pilot: really?

Pilot: this is stupid

Sarah: Because apparently she’s so cool that she hangs out with her brother’s friends

Erika: and does their cool nipple drinking game

Erika: which i played all the time as a teen

Sarah: MY BROTHER IS THE KEWLEST

Sarah: I HAVE NO FRIENDS

Pilot: my brother has seen all of the nipples! i want to be just like him!

Sarah: MY WEIRD PARTYING WILL MAKE NO SENSE AS I HANG OUT WITH HIM ALL THE TIME AND BECAUSE OF THAT, OBVIOUSLY HAVE NO REAL FRIENDS!

Sarah: I’M SO FIT AND MYSTERIOUS!

Erika: i hope when i’m flat broke and sleeping in my prof’s trunk, he lets me stay at his apt and buys me a fish

Sarah: It’s protocol.

Erika: i think it’s covered in my tuition for sure

Pilot: “ugh, can’t believe i have to stay in an apt with the teacher i’m in love with. life sucks.” #egypt

Pilot: i can’t believe how unlikable EVERYONE on this show is

Sarah: I KNOW

Sarah: Like I just don’t care about any of them

Sarah: They’re all self-involved assholes

Erika: that was such a boring episode i had to watch it twice to remember what happened

Pilot: it’s all boner and fish problems

Sarah: Y’know, teenage life!

Erika: i sincerely hope abbud doesn’t have his own episode

Erika: i won’t watch it

Erika: the discussion will have to happen without me

Sarah: Ugh, he probably will

Erika: i know

Pilot: and there will be a slumdog millionare joke and i will shoot my television

Erika: who’s next week? fassie?

Sarah: Yep.

Sarah: Also Chekhov rule of the week is that if there’s a Muslim character, he won’t not have someone make a Slumdog joke.

Pilot: do i even want to watch the preview for next week

Pilot: i feel like if i do, i won’t watch the actual show

Pilot: I HAVE TO GIVE A BIRTH DATE JUST FOR A FUCKING PREVIEW?

Sarah: It’s a boring ass preview

Erika: there could be a pee scene! someone could say penis! it’s for your protection

Sarah: “Today some stuff happened!” — that preview

Pilot: oh that was so stupid

Erika: omg i am accidentally watching a webisode and it’s chris and fichelle and fony getting stoned and drunk and saying ‘fuck’ a lot

Sarah: Ew dude why?

Sarah: And is fuck not bleeped?

Erika: NOPE

Sarah: Ugh

Sarah: PHONY

Sarah: FAKE TONY

Sarah: LOVE

Erika: they’re listening to abbud masturbating

Sarah: SHOCK VALUE!

Erika: THEY CALLED FUCKING ‘BUMPING FUZZ’

Erika: I HATE THIS

Sarah: Stupid fucking slang

Sarah: That doesn’t exist

Sarah: HANGING ON THE FLIPPITY FLOP!

Erika: I KNOW

Erika: ok, i’m going to get ready for bed

Sarah: Yeah, me too.

Erika: catch you guys next week!

Sarah: We’re such masochists.

Erika: skinsochists

Pilot: ugh

Next week: “Cadie”. And hopefully on time.

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