Glee Recap: Season 2 Premiere. “Artie Still Can’t Walk”

22 Sep

I don’t like Glee. I used to, at some point in my life, but that was way back in 2009 when everyone was arguing about what year the decade actually ended. We were all crazy, confused, and hopped up on caffeinated alcohol and Kristin Chenoweth. I liked the first few episodes. It was over the top and cheesy, sure, but if you focused on some of the depressing parts? It was okay. It’s about loser outcasts obsessed with finding fame within a fucked up high school. They think they’re amazing and talented and are going to make it, man! They’ll move to NYC or LA, become rich and famous, and give a big “Fuck you!” to the jocks that used to torture them. But we know that’s not going to happen, that 99% will peak in high school, and that we’re witnessing the best years of their lives — and those years include singing terrible songs. The beginning of Glee was about sad, deluded, and lost characters and happened to be occasionally punctuated with pretty girls singing “Walkin’ on Sunshine.” Then it went crazy and started relying on gimmicks, guest stars, and Madonna themed episodes. There were a few moments — the Neil Patrick Harris episode — that had a hint of what Ryan Murphy & Co. can do but mostly the back nine were a huge mess. Then again, I have a tendency to over-analyze everything so maybe Ryan Murphy’s intention was to make a show about big names and bad music. Maybe he’s currently writing a Ke$ha themed episode that will guest star Betty White singing “Tik Tok” while drunk. Maybe I should shut up and let him do his job. Or we can talk about the most anticipated show that is a musical comedy drama featuring a kid in a wheelchair!

The show opens with a weird video blog, which is the only time the shaky cam on this show has EVER been acceptable. Everyone has new haircuts but the same unbearable personalities! There’s some pretty necessary meta stuff going on (calling Schuester out on his rapping, of course) and a ridiculous scene where Kurt preaches about “standing up and singing about something!” although that something later happens to be a Jay-Z song while the Glee kids reminisce about Harlem. Oh, and the slushes are still happening! Because that never stopped being funny! Except, you know, halfway through the pilot episode.

I legitimately enjoy how many high schoolers are interested in gardening.

Sue, Schuester, and the new (female) football couch Beiste are meeting with the principal about budgets again. Later in the episode Sue and Schuester form an alliance to mess with the new football couch (Get it? Teacher’s can be bullies too!) but it’s dumb so let’s ignore it. I’m still confused as to why the glee club needs such a big budget? Yeah, to maybe eventually get to New York but they have months to raise that money and they’ll probably raise it pretty fast if they stop buying elaborate costumes for every song they sing. How much did they spend on getting all of those gold chains and matching New York City t-shirts (that they had to put a crazy rush on in order to get them within the like, two hours between deciding they need new members and then singing at lunch). They could probably also sell that drumset so Finn can stop pretending he knows how to play. Also, steal the fucking slushie machine and sell that too, please.

They get decked out in authentic NYC outfits and sing “Empire State of Mind” and run up and down stairs (except Artie, hah) and I start googling Ryan Murphy’s address so I can throw a brick through the front window of his car. Can we give Emmys to all of the extras who had to sit there and not laugh hysterically and/or vomit and/or RAGE at all of the dorky white kids rapping Jay-Z:

Two important plot points happening in two totally normal places: Finn spots a blonde dude showering and singing “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” in a locker room while Rachel sings a duet in the bathroom with a tiny Filipino girl (we know she’s Filipino due to Rachel’s awkwardly racist remarks. Humor!) named Sun. The duet is “Telephone” by Lady Gaga and Beyonce because this show likes to take everything I love, cover it in gasoline, and set it on fire while forcing me to watch. It’s almost as bad as the time Rachel and her mother did a “touching” (incredibly awkward) Lady Gaga duet with her estranged mother that she just met and I wanted to punch them both in the pokerface. We’re thirteen minutes into the show and I am so close to quitting it forever until Sue Sylvester barges in the bathroom and yells, “SHUT UP!” which is, admittedly, pretty hilarious.

Let’s race through all of this nonsense: Tina and Mike were at an Asian camp where they fell in love and she broke up with Artie so he’s like “I’m crippled, I should join the football team!” and the coach is like “You’re crippled, you should not join the football team!” and kicks Finn off the team. Finn tries out to be a cheerleader to become popular again — you know who the most popular people are in High School? The male cheerleaders. The male cheerleader who is also in the Glee club and previously thought he got his girlfriend pregnant before they even had sex. Then the blonde kid, Sam, (he later becomes the new quarterback) sings that “Billionaire” song and during this song I realize that Glee might end up becoming the only show I’ve ever watched and given up on before it ended, all thanks to BILLIONAIRE being the WORST FUCKING SONG IN THE WORLD. But at least there is this beautiful exchange:

Puck: Dude, your mouth is huge. How many tennis balls can you fit in there?
Sam: I don’t know. I’ve never had any balls in my mouth. Have you?

Shortly after, there is a cheerleading catfight because Quinn is back on the Cheerios (and therefore a bitch again) and ratted out Santana’s boob job (what?) to Sue because apparently implants mean you can’t be head cheerleader. Quinn yells “You got a boob job” and Santana, not missing a beat, responds “Yep, sure did!” and smacks the shit out of Quinn. Which, honestly, is the best way to react in that situation and really makes me like Santana. Also Quinn goes for the hair and Santana takes some cues from J-Woww and just shoves Quinn to the ground. Brittany’s calm and monotonous “Stop the violence” wins best line of the night. Can we get a spin-off where Brittany and Puck say hilarious one-liners? Puck can sing, Brittany can dance, and the rest of the Glee club can drive off a cliff on their way to New York while crying about concrete jungles or whatever.

Rachel invites Sunshine to audition but purposely give her wrong directions that lead her to a crackhouse. Now, I don’t know Sunshine as a character aside from the fact that she breaks out in song in the girls bathroom but hey, who doesn’t do that with a total stranger? Still, I’d like to think that Sunshine, who made it to high school, is a reasonably intelligent human being who would probably look at one of the millions of Glee Club!! flyers around the school and see where auditions take place. If not, she would probably assume it takes place in some sort of auditorium. If not, she still would probably assume it takes place ON SCHOOL GROUNDS and not follow directions to a CRACKHOUSE that is most likely a pretty big trek away from the school and if she managed to be stupid enough to end up near said crackhouse she would’ve thought to herself, “This is in a shitty neighborhood and I am very far away from school. Also this place is dilapidated and I think I just stepped on a crackpipe. This looks like a crackhouse. But maybe I should go inside anyway, just to make sure there aren’t auditions currently happening for a high school glee club!” She auditions anyway but is snatched up by Vocal Adrenaline (they give her mother a green card and also, they do not send her to crackhouses) so I’m sure we’ll never see her again!

Rachel is terrible. She’s a terrible character, disturbingly insecure, and a total bitch. She’s allowed to sabotage everyone as long as she sings a song about it afterward. She does it all under the guise that one day she will be something which brings this full circle — she is the exact example of someone that will peak in high school. She can’t function outside of her high school auditorium. I’m supposed to care about her as the main character and look past her ridiculous flaws but she’s just such a bitch that I want her to fail at everything. So she slow-motion walks to “be alone” on a stage underneath a spotlight and sing “What I Did For Love” and everyone hates her until next week.

Next episode: I watch NCIS instead.

8 Responses to “Glee Recap: Season 2 Premiere. “Artie Still Can’t Walk””

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