Man-Size Catches You Up On Fall TV

8 Sep

It’s September! You know what means? Fall television is back! Summer is pretty awful for television obsessives. There are a few new episodes but, with the exception of Mad Men, it’s nothing to blog home about. True Blood is a social experiment and not an actual show (see also: 30 Seconds to Mars not being a real band), no one cares about Rubicon, and at most, Degrassi only seems to hover around 89% intense. Even trashy guilty pleasures are frustrating: Jersey Shore revolves around the boring Ronnie/Sammi drama and on the Real World, a gay roommate is STILL a source of tension because no one told MTV that it’s 2010. Basically, this summer turned me into a person who legitimately enjoys USA original programming (White Collar is SO good, okay?) and impatiently waits for torrents of Melissa & Joey to finish downloading.

So, yes, I’m embarrassingly excited for all of the great (and awful) programming to return in the next few weeks. It’s been a long summer and, if you did it right, you drank away some brain cells and can’t remember how any of your shows ended. Fortunately, Man-Size is here to refresh your memory. Check under the cut for some quick recaps of your favorite shows, sponsored by malt liquor.

Glee: New Directions goes to regionals and, in what is the only realistic scene of this show, come in last. But they don’t stop believing! Because this show is renewed for eighteen more seasons! Quinn, after being pregnant for three years, finally has her child to the tune of Queen and this show officially becomes the Worst. Show. Ever. because instead of forever associating “Bohemian Rhapsody” with Wayne’s World, I will now associate it with childbirth which is the exact OPPOSITE of how beautiful and perfect (and painless) Wayne’s World is. She has a daughter named Beth, who is adopted by Shelby (take THAT, estranged daughter Rachel!) and baby Beth doesn’t stop believing that she might grow up in a world where Will Shue doesn’t rap. Finn professes his love for Rachel and although they are main characters, no one really cares, but they still don’t stop believing that someday, someone will care. Artie is still in a wheelchair and he has probably stopped believing that one day he’d be able to walk.

“Little J, light of my life, fire of my loins. When I first saw her, during the agonizingly titled ‘Kiss on the Lips’ party, I knew she was a nymphet, a Brooklynite who bewitched me instantly. She stood shivering on the roof and I, delirious with opium and lust, stared at her back-dropped against the naked sky — and, perhaps it were the libations speaking for me, but I wished she were as naked as that sky. I tried, clumsily, to steal her perilous magic but her brother — a foul bastard! — interfered and left me battered. But later, I would have her — when she was on the cusp of womanhood, when her eyes seemed to be stolen from a lonely raccoon and adorned with trashy tears, when her hair had not been caressed by water in months, she would be mine, after we imbibed copious amounts of alcohol. Almost immediately I was filled with regret; how could I have taken such a misstep? She was not the nymphet I craved. Dying, dying, I wanted Blair / Oh, hate and remorse is plenty / Waldorf is the one I hold dear / Not that dumb bitch Jenny! Alas, Blair arrived and I, a poor poltroon, feigned innocent as Little J escaped, while clutching the sheets she had defiled with sin.” –  Chuck “Vladimir Nabokov” Bass

Gossip Girl Cliff notes: Chuck snagged Jenny’s virginity, then goes to propose to Blair about an hour later and you KNOW Blair was going to be all “yeah, I’ll marry you because who cares that you once gave me to your uncle for sex in exchange for a hotel because hey, freshman year is crazy!” but she finds out about Chuck/Jenny, banishes Jenny from New York (yeah, okay) and runs off to Paris with Serena. Chuck almost dies (alley, gunshot), Harriet the Spy comes back and reveals that Dan knocked her up, Nate has a threesome, Dorota (!) has a baby, and Vanessa is useless.

Parenthood: Honestly? I can’t remember. I know Amber nailed Haddie’s ex-boyfriend and they fought but then made up, probably in the rain. Everyone found out the grandfather is broke and previously had an affair. Crosby runs off to New York to follow Jasmine and their son. Peter Krause wonders why he agreed to do this show and in a surprise twist, it turns out that Dax Shepard is actually a good actor. I’m fairly sure the season finale had something to do with “change” and “family” and “family changing to adapt to other family members that had previously changed.” “Acceptance” was probably thrown in there as well.

Grey’s Anatomy: I don’t watch this show. I’m going to be honest and admit that I have watched this show, maybe three or four full seasons, and eventually I’m going to have to finish because of my obsessive tendencies BUT I “watched” the eighteen-hour season finale via strangers’ twitter updates because hey, I’m unemployed. From what I can remember, someone crazy started straight murdering fools in the hospital? Meredith’s half-sister said she was in love witH Alex but he’s still in love with Izzy (who isn’t on the show anymore, right?). Oh, and Meredith had a miscarriage while performing surgery? None of this seems very sanitary,  but okay.

Check back later this week for more recaps including Community, Dexter, and How I Met Your Mother.

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