Hand Jobs; Or: how leopards are the best animal ever

5 Sep

Hand Jobs is a section of Man-Size wherein we show you how to do bomb nails all by yourself. Because special, important spirits don’t have time to sit in a salon and you can buy like, an entire pizza for the price of a manicure.

Here is a dope passage I came across in my extensive research (Wikipedia) re: leopards:

“The species’ success in the wild is in part due to its opportunistic hunting behavior, its adaptability to habitats, its ability to run at speeds approaching 58¬†kilometres per hour (36 mph), its unequaled ability to climb trees even when carrying a heavy carcass, and its notorious ability for stealth.”

Check that shit out. Leopards are the fucking tops y’all. I want to go back to first grade when all those kids said they wanted to be astronauts and racecar drivers and other foolishness, and laugh in their faces. Fuck being a doctor; I want to be a leopard when I grow up!

In honor of the most majestic, beautiful, and special spirit the Animal Kingdom has to offer, we here at Man-Size are going to show you how to do the kind of nails leopards would have if they had access to nail polish and opposable thumbs.

First, pick your polish colors: one is the base and the other is the spots. The spot color should be darker than the base, or you should just be prepared to use multiple coats. I went with yellow and pink because I like them together but you know, DO YOU.

Paint your base coat and make sure it’s completely dry. Get a Q-tip and take as much cotton off one end as you can. This is how you’re going to make the spots. You can use anything that makes them that small but a Q-tip is super easy. Dip the less cottony end into your other bottle of polish. Then make small dots all over your nail. They can be close together or all over the place or in a more polka-dotted fashion. Whatever you want.

When your spots dry, freehand trace around them with a black fine point permanent marker. Don’t go all the way around because duh, that’s not what leopard spots look like. You can be lax with it; it doesn’t have to be perfect. It’s also possible to use a very small paintbrush and black polish but unless you practice calligraphy in your spare time, just use a marker.

And that’s it!

the finished product

(Beaded leopard-print sweater courtesy of my closet.)

One Response to “Hand Jobs; Or: how leopards are the best animal ever”

  1. curt September 7, 2010 at 4:48 am #

    hand jobs is a great name for a section. good job.

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