Sarah’s Top 10 Crushes of 2011

30 Dec

Creatively, 2011 has spoiled the shit out of us. We’ve been damn lucky audiences to be able to sit back and watch masters of music, movies, and TV bust their asses off for our pleasure. Everyone has been on top of their game, and they deserve all the year-end love they can get for how well they’ve done. But that’s all been covered, and I’d like to give appreciation for other gifts. Like hotness, for example. AND OH MAN, DID 2011 DELIVER ON THAT FRONT.

Below are the dudes whose talents, charm, good looks, and general perfection ruined my life most this past year. Just remember boys, the ranking doesn’t matter. You are all winners.


10. Iain de Caestecker
Contribution to 2011:
 The Fades
Best moment:
SEEING HIS ASS ON THE FADES
How does British teen drama keep delivering on the gorgeous boys (I promise it’s not creepy, they’re my age)? I’m thankful as shit for BBC3 introducing me to Iain de Caestecker, who plays the protagonist of criminally underrated supernatural series The Fades. He plays a regulation hottie who can ejaculate wings, and I’m so enchanted that I don’t care that he wears the same sweater and red jeans every day. That’s totally my thing anyway. WERK.


9. Michael Fassbender
Contributions to 2011: X-Men: First Class, Shame, A Dangerous Method
Best moment: PEEN ACTION IN SHAME (God bless the UK)
EVERYONE GET OUT OF THE WATER. Unless, of course, you are OPEN to being attacked by THE MOST HANDSOME SHARK OF ALL. Yes, on the beach that was 2011, we all willfully lost appendages to this orthodontist centerfold/Courage the Cowardly Dog villain. He has given us so many gifts this year, from insane performances in fluffy blockbusters to FULL-FRONTAL NUDITY and we are all so, so grateful.


8. Tom Felton
Contributions to 2011:
 Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Pt. 2; Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Best moment: “American Talk 2″
I know Neville “Surprise Baby Clive Owen” Longbottom won 2011’s Hot Harry Potter Alum contest by default, but I have such a thing for Draco Malfoy. The Jesse Pinkman of Hogwarts would’ve found a Lavender Brown-type stan in me if I’d only gotten that acceptance letter. Not only does he do the morally complex brood so well, but ohmygod are his interviews the best. He makes me wanna buy a binder so I can cover it in The Cure lyrics.


7. Jesse Eisenberg
Contributions to 2011: Rio, 30 Minutes or Less
Best moment: the first half of 30 Minutes or Less
I always knew I thought Jesse Eisenberg was cute– dude is stupid adorable in interviews. The recent revelation that he’s sexy, however, hit me like a sack of bricks. The Woody Allen typecast’s aloof sexuality in 30 Minutes or Less seriously DOES IT FOR ME. Boy seriously needs more roles like this, because he pulls off confidence in spades. He’d pull off a lot more if he came to my house though. Just for future reference. Alwayz b overachievin.


6. Ben Schwartz
Contribution to 2011:
 Parks & Recreation
Best moment:
 “What Would Jean-Ralphio Do?”
On the subject of confidence TOTALLY DOING IT FOR ME, I’ve got an unfortunate thing for douchebags. The cockiness of Parks & Rec hype man Jean-Ralphio is most certainly misguided, but ugh, it totally works. Schwartz’s perfectly executed character is the cute asshole I’d immediately regret sleeping with, but couldn’t resist anyway. Were I in Pawnee, I’d gladly invite him to dance up on me.


5. Ryan Gosling

Contributions to 2011: Crazy Stupid Love, Drive, The Ides of March
Best moment: the elevator scene in Drive
I won’t lie– I’m not quite as into Baby Goose as a lot of us wimmenz are. But the keyword is “quite”; I cannot deny his power. While there’s got to be some black magic flowing in this dude’s veins for what he does to our sex, the frenzy is totally justified. He’s not just good-looking– he’s charming, good-hearted, and ridic talented, to name a few reasons. Call him manic pixie dream boy all you want, but there’s serious depth to his appeal.


4. all of the Black Lips (Jared and Joe not pictured, but important)
Contribution to 2011:
 Arabia Mountain
Best moment:
 “Family Tree” music video
I swear to god, this entire band is a walking Tiger Beat centerfold trying to kill me through hotness. After a near decade of lascivious magnetism, they’re just pandering to me at this point. CONSTANT MAKING OUT. FLASHING AUDIENCES. DRESSING UP AS SEXY COPS. Jesus CHRIST (OOPS, THEY SEXED THAT UP TOO). I don’t know if I can take anymore*, because at this rate, my house will be furnished solely by fainting couches.


3. Christopher Owens
Contribution to 2011:
 Girls; Father, Son, Holy Ghost
Best moment:
“Vomit”
The fuck is Christopher Owens talking about girls not liking his bony body? UNF. Dude was #4 on the Stereogum Crushes of 2011 and for THE BEST REASONS. He’s absolutely insane in the looks department and even more batshit in talent– Father, Son, Holy Ghost is exactly as great as you’ve heard it is. He drives me so crazy that I just want to go to San Francisco and steal him away from Hannah Hunt. Lucky bitch (sorry girl, SURE YOU’RE GREAT).


2. Aaron Paul
Contribution to 2011:
 Breaking Bad
Best moment: everything Jesse Pinkman ever does ever
If a boy like Aaron Paul offered me meth, the question would not be “Are you sure this is a good idea?” It would be “DO YOU HAVE ANY MORE FOR ME TO BUY?” and “IS MY BODY SUFFICIENT PAYMENT?” The already fantastic actor broke my heart before, but his endless improvements on Breaking Bad see its inevitable obliteration. All I want is for you to take me upstairs at your meth party so we can play Sonic Racing. And then bone.


1. Ernest Greene
Contribution to 2011:
 Washed Out, Within and Without
Best moment: “Amor Fati”
Oh. Mon. DIEU, ladies. This boy. I don’t even know how to fucking talk about him without my insides crying (less gross than it sounds, but just as painful). Pretty faces hurt me enough as it is, but when you make as dreamily ecstatic music as Ernie (can I call u that bb?) has as Washed Out, you have killed me. The fact that this insanely talented piece of ass had the audacity to get married just twists the damn knife. OH MY GOD, WHAT A WASTE.

CALL ME, BOYS.

*I CAN TOTALLY TAKE MORE. PLEASE DON’T STOP.**/***
**That’s what she said
***That’s what I hope to say

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

%d bloggers like this: